Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
