you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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