So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
My underwear smells like fireworks.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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