Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize