From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize