I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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