we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you win again, gameday.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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