I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
