dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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