remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhhâ€
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