Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize