I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
