I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
