I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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