My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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