I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
