Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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