Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
