please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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