Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
