I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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