My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
