spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
