Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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