I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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