Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
