my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
