I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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