i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
