I think I won the penis lottery.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
