Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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