I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
