I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
