Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize