I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
