I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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