so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
