My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
