Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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