I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
