Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize