somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
