This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
