if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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