and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
