I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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