He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
We need to get me chipped asap
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
