Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
