I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
