she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
