I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
