I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
