Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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