was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
