How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
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