It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
